Charis, 5 Years Later…
Today marks the day that 5 years ago my hero, my sister, Charis, passed away from kidney cancer. I still can’t believe this and each day becomes a bit more abstract.
I must admit the images get foggier and the guilt for that fog hurts. The prevailing memories are crystal clear greatness. Any painful memories that I documented on this webpage, can’t compare with the great thoughts of growing up with my best friend in Illinois, Missouri, summer vacations to Florida with my family, and my sister coming out no matter her condition to rock shows when I played in bands. She always stood in the front row.
Today I looked in the mirror and I realized that I feel the same age as that day 5 years ago, but the wrinkles are a bit deeper. I have to ask myself the question? Have I lived as much as she did with her life cut so short? Have five years since really brought me closer to life and living? Do I have better friendships? Is my relationship with my wife better now than even a year or two ago?
My family is so blessed that we spent the last two months of my sister’s life together helping care for my sister, share stories, and generally live as when Charis and I grew up together in a loving home. Those were some of the best days of my life.
5 years later, like I do each year on this day, I look at my sister’s life. I enjoy the great life she had, but hurt for the daily things we haven’t been able to share. Its the simple things like talking to her, celebrating thanksgiving, and joking about silly family stuff. Damn, Lu never even got to meet my sister. Charis never visited this strange and wonderful land I’m in now. Even though she wanted to, she didn’t get a chance to have kids.
But, it doesn’t help dwelling upon what didn’t happen, but rather on what we can do while we’re still here. After looking in the mirror a bit longer, I realize that its not about the wrinkles and lamenting, but how we live life each day with the people around us just as my sister did so passionately each day.
Please read the page I put up for her which is working well again and documents some of the days leading up to her passing away.
UPDATE: I just had another thought. I took a quarter off in graduate school in order to stay by my sister’s side. At that time I got into Open Source, helped launch Inkscape, and generally started being the public me. While here in Beijing with extra time to think about living, catch up on projects, and get some distance from the familiar, I feel that I have integrated the pre-nov-2003 self with the post-nov-2003 self. I can honestly say that I’m quite happy once more to wake up and keep hacking away on the things I love and not feel so guilty to carry the world on my shoulders or to live the life my sister didn’t get to live. I’m still processing some of these thoughts and apologies if I’m being too honest. I felt like I needed to say this out loud. It is just who I am.
Also, thoughts to TVOL right now as his grand father passed away very recently.
Thanks for writing about this Jon, and my thoughts are with you and your family on this day. I feel somewhat connected, since my two younger brothers passed away in a car accident–approaching 6 years now (in February). Don’t know if I’ve ever shared with you, but want to say I’m thinking about you today, especially in relation to the direct loss & hurt, but also in the sometimes abstract, surreal nature of it all. I’m glad that you’ve been able to begin to integrate the various pieces of time in your life again. Keep processing, keep remembering, and keep hacking.
Comment by tvol — December 11, 2008 @ 8:31 pm
Damn TVOL, I didn’t know that. I’m so sorry to hear that.
Yes, I’ve found it important to realize that I’m still here, but make sure I do the most I can at any given moment. Maybe I’ve slipped a little here and there. And, it definitely made me grow up faster.
I see now why you are chipping away at big things all the time and this all puts into focus the altruistic nature of the global problems we are hacking on together. My memory gets a bit clearer.
Comment by jon — December 11, 2008 @ 11:59 pm
[...] in considering things about my sister’s life, living in Beijing, re-connecting with old friends like Matt Hope, and concluding so many past [...]
Pingback by Keep Making Projects or Die | rejon.org is Jon Phillips. — December 16, 2008 @ 2:20 am
hi jon… this post takes me back to four and a half years ago when my brother died (05/31/2004) about six months after charis. i’m not even sure exactly talked about after my brother was killed, but knowing somebody who had gone through a similar thing helped me out.
take care.
Comment by garnet — December 16, 2008 @ 3:10 am
I think you did tell me. Man, that is some hard stuff to deal with and it takes a long time to work out. Yes, talking about and syncing with others who have gone through really really helps much.
Where are you at now anyway? Good to sync up here sometime…I’ll be back in SF JAN 6 – end of JAN (no return ticket yet!
You take care too man!
Comment by jon — December 16, 2008 @ 3:21 am